Remember when I used to get way too close to the mirror? That one guy I dated would tell me that the longer I looked, things that weren't actually there would magically appear. At least now I can turn the bathroom light on instead of wincing away in fear.
Listen, it's been a while since the reflection proceeded with tears, but there are still plenty of moments throughout a simple commute when the intrusive thoughts interfere.
"Am I presentable enough to face the world?"
"If a lover looked too closely, would they turn away?"
"Am I hard on the eyes or a sight for sore ones?" - I guess I'll never know and both could be true, but I learned that the less I think about it the less harm I'll have to undo.
Besides, nobody's perceptions ever hit deep enough to kill me
And if they do knock me down, each time I get back up I award myself a new crown.
I'm a villain in some people's stories
And an angel in others.
I've been bully and bullied
Avoidant and anxious
Cheated and cheater
Student and teacher
Denyer and believer.
So where one sees beauty, another may see monster - and who am I to control one's narrative that isn't mine to foster?
I've got to zoom out and recognize that there are far better things to worry about than the extra fat under my chin, the way my cuticles crack or the bad tattoo etched into my skin.
There are people who see my light and witness moments when my spirit comes alive.
There are people who stick around to look beyond my physical form and find that my mere presence is a prize.
And still, at the end of it all, I'll be left with this:
Did I treat this body of mine the same way I treated the people I held dear?
Did I see my body through a judgmental lens, or did I choose grace and offer compassionate hands?
Was my impact one of scrutiny or kindness?
Did I stay true to myself or stumble around in blindness?
Dearest body, you are both a battleground and a temple.
You've lost bloodied wars and bowed down in pure reverence.
You're a representation of how far I've come.
Each scar, bruise, bump and wrinkle
The way my eyes hold a newfound twinkle.
Although I don't fit into a box or a beauty mold, I feel the most alive when my body doesn't need to be validated or told
That she is a miracle
And she came here to shine
So all the thoughts or standards that dim her light are simply a blip in the grand scheme of time.
Body, you protect and guide me
You nourish and provide for me
You give me signals that hold a deep and ancient wisdom
Through your eyes I behold vivid color and dancing prisms
You keep my bones warm and bring me belly laughs
You let me fall in love and give you long hot baths.
You've been with me since conception and will carry me to kiss the angel of death
So in return for all you've done for me, I'll continue to breathe fresh life into your blood
And instead of hyper-analyzing every nook and cranny, I'll simply thank you
And allow you to rest.
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